Alien Space Bar

#Alien Space Bar Welcome to space, player! Pickup alien ladies at the space bar with your charming personality, dashing good looks and extensive-inter-galactic vocabulary. Be careful not to sound ignorant/un-PC! Its 2116 and that is unacceptable here in outer space. [[OK]]

You enter the bar. The low gravity and the shot of moon tequila you had helps you loosen up. Time to talk to the ladies. [[Approach the Martian]] [[Approach the Spaceshuttlecock]] [[Approach the Charlie]]

You've always had a thing for Martians. You even dated one in highschool. You can read them like an open book and you know all the kinky stuff they're into. This should be a piece of cake. [["Schmarbles?"]] [["Schnarbles?"]]

You walk up to the Charlie and, not to your surprise, she is the sexiest thing you have ever set eyes upon. You have no idea what you're doing; she's clearly out of your league. You've heard of stories about Charlies before. Your buddy Chad said that they're the most sexual being in inner solar system. How did that piece of shit even score a girl like that? No time to think! Now is your chance to make a strong impression. "How should I open up with someone whos clearly out of my league?" you wonder to yourself. [[Say something deep]] [[asdfghjkl;']]

You spproach the shuttlecock, and what a fine one she is. Her feathers drape down her sides gracefully, alternating in rows so percise you wouldnt be surprised if she had them done by a plastic space surgeon. They were straight and silky; you could tell that she takes good care of herself. She looks like a high-achieving, career-oriented kind, exactly the kind of challange you need. You walk up to her. [[Pat her in the head]] [[Shake her hand (wherever it is)]]

You Pat her in the head 3 times, with increasing intensity each time. "Wow, I don't meet a man who is familiar with my culture everyday. What brings you to this part of the solar system?" Score! You knew that Spaceshuttlecock planet exchange trip was going to come in handy some day. You're off to a good start, theres no way you could mess this up. right? [["I was attracted to your gravitational pull" *winkwink]] [["Spacedust"]]

You awkwardly grabbed one of her feathers, right about where her right hand should be. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?? Get away from me you creep!" She walks away from you. Feathers are like hair for Spaceshuttlecocks. You don't shake some random person's hair as a greeting, do you? You dingus. "Back to the bar I guess" you say to yourself. [[OK]]

"Are you calling me fat?? URGH!!" She storms away. Dammit, did you fail your 4th grade science calss!? The larger the gravitational pull, the larger the mass of a planet. Stay in school kids. "Back to the bar I guess" you say to yourself. [[OK]]

You carefully look behind your shoulder, and then softly say "Spacedust." "S-spacedust? Isn't that like, illegal??" she whispered back. You can clearly see that she's holding back a smile. Her pupils dilate with excitement. She's clearly into the bad spaceboy type. [["Even more so when its made out of Schleem crystals"]] [["Just trying to make my way in the universe"]]

"Tell me more about ittt" she teasingly said. She was biting her lower lip. You think she did it subconciously, but you can't tell for sure. Damn shes hot. Do i have her on the hook? Has she been drinking?? All these questions start popping in your head. You gotta think of something to say. Just make sure you don't say anything awkward. [["Enough about me, let's talk about you. What have you been up to recently?"]] [["What about you tell me more about yourself? Like where you got those beautiful eyes from."]]

"How rude! I thought you were different! I should've known better". She gets up and leaves the bar. Spaceshuttlecocks reproduce through sight. Imagine complimenting someones genitals when you first meet them. That's exactly what you just did. Creep. "Back to the bar I guess" you say to yourself. [[OK]]

She stares at you with an angry glare. "Too soon?" you asked, almost in terror. "The Iskandarians were brutally masacred in the blood crystal genocide. That was not funny." She stands up and walks away. You knew you shouldnt have skipped space history class every friday to go out with your then Martian girlfriend. "Back to the bar I guess" you say to yourself. [[OK]]

"Nothing much really. Just taking care of school related stuff I guess." Shes getting more comfortable around you. Time to test the waters. [["Sooo, are you dating anyone in your school?"]] [["Your face is really clean"]]

"Incest is wrong you filthy piece of shit!" You blew it. Spaceshuttlecocks live in schools, like fish from earth do, and theyre all one big family, you cultural ignoramus. "Back to the bar I guess" you say to yourself. [[OK]]

"Oh, stop flattering me!" she said as she blushes. "I'm just really careful to not hit space debris when flying through space". Well, that wasn't quite what you meant but hey, whatever works. This is it. Time to bust a move. Don't screw this up. "I really enjoyed talking to you, whaddaya say we... [[Touchdown in Uranus?"]] [[Get rowdy in a wormhole?"]]

*SMACK* You got slapped in the face. That line would've (maybe) made an 8th grader giggle but that's about it. You've really got no game. "Back to the bar I guess" you say to yourself. [[OK]]

The two of you drive to the nearest wormhole, go down it on a space sled and have a great time together. You get really comfortable around her. As you're walking her home, your brain slipped and you say [["How about we get rowdy in your wormhole?"]]

SHIT. You didn't mean to say that. To your surprise she giggled and let you in. You just got laid bruh Up for another bar run next week? [[OK]]

She gives you an angry glare and says "What did you say about my mother??". She storms away. You knew your Martian was rusty and you still insisted on impressing her. Schnarbles = flirty , schmarbles = the worst insult to a Martian's mother. Get your Martian right dammit. Back to square one. [[OK]]

Sme smiled and said "I see you know your way with Martian ladies. How may I help you?" Looks like you've still got the hang of the Martian lingo you picked up in highschool. You always knew all those classes you skipped to go hang out with the Martian skate crew were not for nothing. "I'm just looking for someone to share... [[a bottle of moon tequila with."]] [[these cat pics i found online with."]]

"Sorry, I'm not that kind of person" she said politely before getting up. You remembered that your Martian ex used to keep a lot of it at your place, but you completely forgot that moon tequila is a hallucinogenic drug to Martians. You can't believe you didnt remember something that important. Maybe you've had 1 too many drinks yourself. Back to square one. [[OK]]

"Oh, they're so cuteee!!!" Damn playa, you know Martians way too well. Nothing fascinates Martian girls more than pictures of cats on the internet. You wish Earth girls would react the same way, but they just go "That's so last century" everytime you show them your collection of cat pictures. Those snobs. You follow up and say "You know what else is cute?... [[My deek."]] [[Your knees."]]

*SMACK* You just got slapped in the face. Perhaps you should'nt have named your pet deekasaurus-rex deek. It sounds way too similar to dick. But you just had to name it that didn't you. You child. Back to square one. [[OK]]

"Youre too sweet!" she said. You've never understood why Martians put makeup on their knees. You just know that they blush a lot when you compliment them about it. Maybe you should offer her a drink. [["We should get phlab."]] [["Wanna suck some schleem?"]]

"I love phlab!" You ask the bartender for two phlabs. You both loosen up and talked some more over it. Time to make a move. "Wanna go on a ride on my... [[Spacerrari?"]] [[Spaceborghini?"]]

"You kiss your mother with your mouth? Disgusting!" Wow, really?? In what planet do bodily fluids count as a drink? get out of here. Back to square one. [[OK]]

The two of you take a ride on your beat-up space-Civic. She thinks its cute that you call it a space-Ferrari. You both have a great time doing donuts in some abandoned parking lot. "I never knew you could do that iun a space-Honda! Is it really just a space-Honda? What's under the hood?]] [["I don't know what's under this car's hood, but i do know whats under my hood." *wikwink]]

*SMACK* You got slapped in the face. You are utterly confused. Why would'nt she want a ride on your space-Lamborghini. You space-Google the word on your space-Iphone. Those images scar you for the rest of your life. Back to square one. [[OK]]

To be honest that was such a goofy line. But hey, it worked so whatever. You just got laid bruh Up for another bar run next week? [[OK]]

"C-Confucius says, I want umm I want you to be everything that's you, ummmm deep at the center of your being." *silence* The whole bar goes silent. Did it work? Are they in awe of your intellectual depth? Everyone starts laughing their asses off. "What a nerrrrdd!!" someone from across the bar shouted. "Honey, go home and learn how to talk to girls." the Charlie said, barely able to finish her sentence. She was laughing so hard she was starting to tear up. You whimper home and cried in your sleep. Try again next week? [[OK]]

"That's the most fluent Charlie-speak i have heard in a long time." the Charlie said with a seductive smile. Honestly you have no clue what you just said. It was just this one line you keep on hearing in a commercial everytime you drive by the planet Charles. "What are you here for, handsome?" Dammit, you're really bad with compliments. This throws you off your rhythm and you can't think straight. [[Um, I'm here to talk to ladies and drink some moon tequila and I'm all out of moon tequilas.]] [[I'm here for dat booty]]

"Ummm, get this guy a space Tequila and get him out of my face." She said to the bartender. You blew it man, all you had to do was act normal and you dropped a line so cheesy it'd kill a mildly lactose intollerant person. Bravo. Try again? [[OK]]

"Oooh kinky and direct. I like that." she whispered to your ear. Your heart is racing. Is she just playing games? Could she be into you?? Is she the one you're going to spend the rest of my life with??? Oh my space-God you can't think. [[Play hard to get]] [[I think im in love]]

"I haven't decided on which booty though." "I think all know that's going to my booty." you heard from behind your back as another Charlie walks up to you. "Back off bitch, he's mine!" Things are getting spicy. You can't decide if this is a mess or kinda hot. You feel the need to defuse the situation. [["Whoa Ladies, lets work something out here."]] [["Everybody calm your asses down!"]]

"Please go out with me" ".............................. No" What were you thinking?? You can'ts just ask somebody out like that. A 4th grader could do better. Try again? [[OK]]

"Alright, speak up." one of them said. This is the turning point. This is where you make a stand. What do you do? [[Hint at a threesome]] [[Stick to the first Charlie you talked to]]

You said in a loud and commanding voice. Maybe a bit too loud as evident by the bouncer thats rapidly approaching you. You get thrown out. Try again next week? [[OK]]

"One can't have enough asses to eat, a wise man once said." The two went silent. Then they looked at each other before looking at you with the dirtiest smile you've ever seen in your life. [[Oh shiet]]

"I'm sorry, but I talked to this fine lady first" you replied, gesturing to the first Charlie you talked to. The two looked confused. "Ummm, that's me." the other Charlie said. "How dare you confuse the two of us!" *SMACK* You got slapped *SMACK* Twice. Oh shit. You dun goofed. What's that you said? They all look the same?? Check your privilege you scum. They don't all look the same just because they're a self-replicating species. Try again? [[OK]]

Double-click this passage to edit it. You just got laid bruh Up for another bar run next week? [[OK]]